I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
