If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
