I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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