Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
