she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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