my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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