I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
