i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
