worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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