Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
