I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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