i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
