I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
