Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
