At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
