M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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