I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
