I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
