I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
