you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
