Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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