if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
