Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.