I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.