How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
