how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
