you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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