It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
