When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
