Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
