I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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