Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
