I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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