i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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