a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
