the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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