Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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