It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
