Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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