she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
