Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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