party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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