she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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