I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
