I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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