i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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