I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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