I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
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so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
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I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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