Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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