I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
