I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
