I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
