remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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