i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
