my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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