I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
