I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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