is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
