My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
