I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
